Kucch To Hai (2003)

Finally a slasher movie for Bollywood, and what an absolute eye-opener it is. Devoid of any suspense, mystery or thrills, Kucch to hai is a complete and utter disaster. “Inspired” by “I know what you did last summer”, this flick has had two directors at its helm, and both were as bad as each other…couldn’t even manage to copy the original slasher well!

The film was initially titled kya pyaar karoge mujhse, a curious title for a slasher film and subsequently titled Kucch to hai with an added “C” in Kuch, which makes it all the more ludicrous.

Kucch to hai opens with a scared Tania (Esha) having a nightmare and then opening up a newspaper only to have blood drop on it. As she looks up, a giant doll’s body, supposedly a human form, falls onto her, just missing the petrified Tania. Buts it’s only a nightmare in a nightmare, and Tania is just about to take off to India after four years away, having run away from something “deplorable “in her past.

She opens up to a rather nosey passenger on the plane, the history unfolds. But hang on a sec, guess who’s on the plane with her? Good old Tusshar, who having spotted her at the airport, seems to have lost her in the maze. Neither sets eyes on each other even though they are sitting seats apart in the plane. Guess neither needed to the loo through their 8-hour flight!

We go into flashback and see the usual collegians. Tania is the hot babe of college whom Karan (Tusshar) wants to woo, who is loved by Tashu (Natasha), but Karan sees her as a friend only. The pint-sized hero tries to make an impression, but Tania is not impressed until he dances with her at the Prom (Puhleeze!!!!). Now she’s impressed! Oh, there is also the bloated, unshaven Professor Bakshi who walks around like something out of zombie flesh eaters, rumours flying around that he has murdered his wife and hugely feared by all students.

One night of the Prom, one of the students goes to Bakshi’s house, sees something dreadful in the basement, and runs back to the college, fearful of his life. Oh, wouldn’t it have been fun if Prof Bakshi was Norman Bates with a mummified mother in the basement but no such luck! Having said nothing about his fears, he is tracked down by a hooded killer with a knife who manages to string him up from four floors up, and it is made to appear like a suicide. Unperturbed, life continues at college—love blossoms between Tania and Karan, much to poor Tashu’s silent suffering.

One fine day, Karan tries to cheat in his exam, but Tania blames her because she loves him so much. Spurred on by Karan, all the friends decide to change Tania’s exam papers at Prof. Bakshi’s house, only to be discovered by the irate Professor. Escaping, Tania runs the Prof. over, and he is believed to have died. But we all know better! But Prof. Bakshi is made of sterner stuff…he gets up and then careers down the cliff, ostensibly to his death!

Unable to take the stress of all of this, Tania runs out on Karan and goes abroad. She now returns to surprise her friends at the wedding of Khush and Dolly only to find that Tashu and Karan are also engaged.

Back in Simla, where the dark evil deeds had started, Mr Slasher makes a reappearance and begins to hack the kids down with alarming haste. Who can it be? And Why? Ho-hum-.yawn-yawn-yawn…Well, it’s hardly a mystery at all, and the final twist, in the end, is preposterous and utterly unbelievable.

Door handles turning, shadows approaching…i am surprised the creaking door effect was not used more. The two directors have ballsed up what is simply a rehash of “I know what you did last summer”, incorporating every cliché that you can imagine. It’s all pretty laughable and most unscary. There is absolutely no suspense and no surprises in store for you, and forget about being at the edge of your seat; you would be lucky to be on your seat at all by the end of the film it’s so bad.

Tusshar Kapoor is an enigma. Charmless and devoid of any personality, I have no idea why he is considered to be star material. There is nothing in his performance that begs one to look again. Esha Deol is a wannabee heroine who cannot seem to find that winning formula. Indeed, she looks good in bits of the film, but the girl is a rotten actress and has far to go before she is accepted in the big league. She exudes none of the class of her mother. Natasha is an Ekta discovery, and you can see that she has been plugged in this film. But she’s not heroine material, neither with her roly-poly looks, and neither in the talents stakes.

Rishi Kapoor as Professor Bakshi…what can I say except that the only reason he could have done this role is that he is such a close friend of Jeetendra’s, and since it’s his home production, how could he say no. He should shrink with embarrassment if he never sees the film.

Musically, Anu Malik gives us nothing to tap our shoes to except the dreadful ding dong song shot in sepia tones, its an MTV video and nothing else.

Kucch To Hai is nicely shot; that’s about all one can say about it. What a huge shame, the promos were great, the film is just the opposite.