Jaws : The Revenge (1987)

“misguided attempt at a bit of art” Time Out
“waste of viewing time” Creature Features
“watchable but mediocre re-tread” Maltin’s
“worst of the lot” Blockbuster Video

One of the wonders of the world. Mind-numbingly, stupefying ridiculous movie incorporating the famous tagline “This time it’s personal”.

The shark has now developed a vendetta against the horrid Brody family and will pass up any number of potential snacks because by now, it has eyes and teeth only for the Brody’s. Who would blame it, such a sickly lot they are, with the sublimely horrendous Lorraine Gary leading the pack?

How this small-time actress managed to land the lead role in a major motion picture should not be much of a mystery when one finds that she happens to be the wife of a particular boss of a major studio! She was paid a handsome packet for her work despite being a nobody.
Her performance stinks a mile away and she shamelessly hogs the movie. But then others are perhaps even worse, and there is Mario Van Peebles as the happy go lucky Caribbean – a performance that makes Lorraine Gary look like an actress.

Then there is Michael Caine, who reputedly signed on because he needed some extra cash to refurbish his sprawling mansion. The romantic scenes between Caine and Gary are risible, culminating in a slow-motion run along the beach and a nice slimy mouth to mouth!

Fantastic stuff, but the killer moment is when Lorraine Gary offers herself to the shark so that the vendetta can finally be over – a truly noble and oh so brave gesture. The finale is shot in a small swimming tank substituting as the ocean, perfectly appropriate for a film as colossally inept as this.
It has to go down as one of the true classics when recounting the worst movies in memory. Just so awful that it has to be seen to be believed and thoroughly enjoyed in a perverse sort of way.

A massive piece of pure shite highly recommended to those who like the occasional seriously BAD movie! Should in fact be seen and admired for its utter hideousness! Incredible. The Romance & Comedy classification is not an error.